To be a mom
I have always, ALWAYS wanted to be a mother. As a kid I played with baby dolls. I didn't participate in team sports, I didn't play with barbies, I didn't climb trees. I changed my dolls diapers, I took them for walks in their strollers, I tucked them each in at night with a kiss. I remember being ecstatic when my parents bought me incredibly lifelike anatomically correct twin baby dolls Trevor and Tracy. I bathed them regularly. I read them books, I took them everywhere I went.
When I married Robby, my first husband, at 17 years old, I immediately decided I wanted to have children. During our five year marriage, it never happened. Toward the end of our marriage I was being treated for infertility with hormones that made me miserable. Looking back, I am so very thankful I never had children with him. But at the time, it was the worst possible scenario.
During the time I was single and dating I think I came to terms with the possibility of never having my own children. I met John, who was no where near ready to have kids, and we dated and lived together very happily for a year and a half. Then, we got married and I began to feel the ticking (more like a gong really) of my biological clock. It sounds silly really, that at the age of 25 I was worried that I was getting too old to have babies. But based on my previous experience, I really, truly believed that we would have to get in line for the infertility buffet of hormones, injections, IVF and possibly waiting list for foreign adoptions. I was ready for the worst case scenario. I projected that if we started immediately, we'd have a child of our own in 5-7 years.
We started trying in October, by November, I was pregnant.
Then we lost the pregnancy 3 months in.
The doctor told us we could start trying to get pregnant again 6 weeks after my D&C. Six weeks came and went. We weren't ready. Six months came and went. We still weren't ready. A year later, we both felt like we were healed enough from the experience to give it another go. I got pregnant on New Year's eve 2005 while in Arizona to see Alex Smith play his last game for the University of Utah in the Fiesta Bowl. Our son, Alex Dillier was born at 9:12 am on September 25, 2005. On his due date no less. I finally became a mom and it was nothing like I thought it would be. It's better, it's worse, it's easier, it's harder, it's scarier than I ever imagined.
I love my son beyond reason. I would, without a second thought, die or kill for him. I have these intense "mama bear" instincts. It takes all my strength not to clobber the nurses when they give him his immunizations because they're hurting my baby boy. When asked what I'm doing over the weekend, I think it perfectly natural to respond "staring at my baby". He is the most beautiful, the sweetest, the most amazing human being I have ever before met. It's scary to have my heart all wrapped up in this little person. It's terrifying to know that this child, who will hate me in a few years time because I won't let him pierce his nose or hang out with the "cool kids" on a school night or buy him a certain kind of toy, or music or clothing, has such power over me. He could crush me like a bug and I'll still love him unconditionally.
It's overwhelming this responsibility I have now as a parent. I'm convinced that my son alone will change the world. I am his mom and in my eyes, this child holds all of my hopes and dreams for our future. The burden falls on me to raise him to be the sweet, compassionate and brilliant thinker I hope he becomes. I agonize over every single choice I make for him. I want so badly for his life to be filled with love and happiness and opportunities. I want it so much that I take him to a weekly Mommy and Me class where I dance around and sing like a nitwit because I've been led to believe that it will help develop his social skills.
Alex may or may not change the world. But certainly he's changed my world. I couldn't be happier, couldn't be more satisfied, couldn't be more excited for our family's future.
John asked me the other day what I wanted for my first mother's day. I've already got what I want. I am a mother. I am Alex's mother. This mother's day I want to thank Alex for giving me that opportunity. For being the sweet little boy that he is. For being my son and letting me cuddle him every morning, and for falling asleep on me just before bedtime every night. Thank you sweet boy, for smiling at me when I come to pick you up after work. You are amazing. Absolutely amazing. I love you.
When I married Robby, my first husband, at 17 years old, I immediately decided I wanted to have children. During our five year marriage, it never happened. Toward the end of our marriage I was being treated for infertility with hormones that made me miserable. Looking back, I am so very thankful I never had children with him. But at the time, it was the worst possible scenario.
During the time I was single and dating I think I came to terms with the possibility of never having my own children. I met John, who was no where near ready to have kids, and we dated and lived together very happily for a year and a half. Then, we got married and I began to feel the ticking (more like a gong really) of my biological clock. It sounds silly really, that at the age of 25 I was worried that I was getting too old to have babies. But based on my previous experience, I really, truly believed that we would have to get in line for the infertility buffet of hormones, injections, IVF and possibly waiting list for foreign adoptions. I was ready for the worst case scenario. I projected that if we started immediately, we'd have a child of our own in 5-7 years.
We started trying in October, by November, I was pregnant.
Then we lost the pregnancy 3 months in.
The doctor told us we could start trying to get pregnant again 6 weeks after my D&C. Six weeks came and went. We weren't ready. Six months came and went. We still weren't ready. A year later, we both felt like we were healed enough from the experience to give it another go. I got pregnant on New Year's eve 2005 while in Arizona to see Alex Smith play his last game for the University of Utah in the Fiesta Bowl. Our son, Alex Dillier was born at 9:12 am on September 25, 2005. On his due date no less. I finally became a mom and it was nothing like I thought it would be. It's better, it's worse, it's easier, it's harder, it's scarier than I ever imagined.
I love my son beyond reason. I would, without a second thought, die or kill for him. I have these intense "mama bear" instincts. It takes all my strength not to clobber the nurses when they give him his immunizations because they're hurting my baby boy. When asked what I'm doing over the weekend, I think it perfectly natural to respond "staring at my baby". He is the most beautiful, the sweetest, the most amazing human being I have ever before met. It's scary to have my heart all wrapped up in this little person. It's terrifying to know that this child, who will hate me in a few years time because I won't let him pierce his nose or hang out with the "cool kids" on a school night or buy him a certain kind of toy, or music or clothing, has such power over me. He could crush me like a bug and I'll still love him unconditionally.
It's overwhelming this responsibility I have now as a parent. I'm convinced that my son alone will change the world. I am his mom and in my eyes, this child holds all of my hopes and dreams for our future. The burden falls on me to raise him to be the sweet, compassionate and brilliant thinker I hope he becomes. I agonize over every single choice I make for him. I want so badly for his life to be filled with love and happiness and opportunities. I want it so much that I take him to a weekly Mommy and Me class where I dance around and sing like a nitwit because I've been led to believe that it will help develop his social skills.
Alex may or may not change the world. But certainly he's changed my world. I couldn't be happier, couldn't be more satisfied, couldn't be more excited for our family's future.
John asked me the other day what I wanted for my first mother's day. I've already got what I want. I am a mother. I am Alex's mother. This mother's day I want to thank Alex for giving me that opportunity. For being the sweet little boy that he is. For being my son and letting me cuddle him every morning, and for falling asleep on me just before bedtime every night. Thank you sweet boy, for smiling at me when I come to pick you up after work. You are amazing. Absolutely amazing. I love you.
posted by Jamie at 3:02 PM
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